The year is 2015.
J-Money is Supreme Ruler of Planet Awesome.
As such, every spring he chooses 24 tributes to participate in the first ever Drunk Hunger Games.
No, I’m afraid you don’t get to actually see it. Nor do I.
All we have is this Hunger Games simulator. It’s not ideal, but it at least offers a glimpse of how it’d all play out.
Two dozen tributes – entertainers, politicians, even historical figures – hand picked by yours truly to compete.
Who will live and who will die? Who will emerge victorious, the sole winner, drenched in the blood of their rivals?
Let’s look at the tributes and find out…
District 1: Kim & Kanye
They’ve got the privilege, but do they have the necessary grit and guile? No, probably not. But who knows? Maybe they’ll surprise us…
District 2: Donald Trump & Sarah Palin
What’s that loud, grating sound? Oh God… Maybe everyone else will just commit suicide…
District 3: Pit Bull & Madonna
There’s something to be said for persistence and these two just refuse to go away.
District 4: Tom Brady & Bill Belichick
They’re fierce competitors, and they usually find a way to win. It may not be ethical or even legal, but they find a way.
District 5: Vladimir Putin & Benjamin Netanyahu
One a former KGB agent, the other a former-member of the Israeli Special Forces. Will might make right?
District 6: Walter White & Frank Underwood
Two of television’s most feared and revered masterminds. A very capable pairing, indeed.
District 7: Bill Cosby & Spanish Fly
Nothing funny about these two. They’ll have the game won and be out the door before you even wake up.
District 8: Robert Durst & Jeffery Dahmer
Cold blooded murderers. Capable of anything.
District 9: Robin Hood & Lil Jon
Robin Hood disrupts the social order by flouting the upper class. He lives off the land, easily eludes authority, and is good with a bow. Remind you of anyone?
District 10: Sun Tzu & Confucius
Maybe the greatest military tactician in history paired with one of the world’s greatest philosophical minds. Forget it Jake, it’s Chinatown.
District 11: Darren Wilson & George Zimmerman
It’s easy to win when you’re the only one with a gun… That won’t be the case here.
District 12: A Shred of Decency & Darwin
I’m really pulling for these two. So far, they’ve failed to even slow any of these tributes down. This is their chance to make amends and re-establish order.
Let the games begin!
Bibi, Walter White, Frank Underwood, Bill Belichick, George Zimmerman, Lil Jon, Sarah Palin, Madonna, Jeff Dahmer, Confucius, Robert Durst, Kim K., Vlad, The Donald and Darwin – all run away from the Cornucopia.
To no one’s surprise, Spanish Fly finds a canteen full of “water.” Yeah, okay Spanish Fly.
However, a curveball comes when both Robin Hood and A Shred of Decency take sickles from the Cornucopia.
I really applaud Decency’s aggressive approach here. It’s long been the whipping boy of many of these tributes. It’s out for revenge.
Pit Bull grabs a first aid kit. SMART. People will be gunning for you, Pit Bull.
Also, an unlikely alliance forms, as Darren Wilson, Bill Cosby and Sun Tzu work together to get as many supplies as possible. I can’t see this bond lasting. I think it’s just a one-time thing.
There is only one death in the whole melee…
Tom Brady steps on a land mine. There is no referee to save him.
Obviously, I was hoping for more out of the “Bloodbath” Round, but whatever. It’s a wily group. We continue…
Things heat up as the day progresses.
Spanish Fly breaks the ice with the game’s first kill, “overpowering” Donald Trump. Nicely done Spanish Fly. That’s strong aggressive play, right there.
But that’s not all.
Robert Durst, the cold-blooded murderer that he is, wants to make a statement, too. He shoots an arrow at Kanye West, but misses, hitting Sarah Palin instead.
Just like that, District 2 is eliminated on the first day.
I can’t say I’m surprised by this. Donald Trump and Sarah Palin are loud and annoying as fuck. They’re also weak.
However, I was surprised by the early exit of one Walter White. Heisenberg may be a master cook, he’s no survivalist. He falls into a pit and dies.
Finally, another motley crew forms, as Bibi, The Coz, Pit Bull, Darren Wilson, and Human Decency hunt for other tributes.
In other news, Madonna and Jeffery Dahmer practice archery, while Robin Hood fishes. Vladimir Putin discovers a cave he can invade. George Zimmerman injures himself. And Kim Kardashian and Frank Underwood think about home.
At night, four cannons sound in the distance, as the tributes consider the respective fates of Tom Brady, Walter White, Sarah Palin, and Donald Trump.
Night 1 falls and District 11 can’t get out of its own way.
As George Zimmerman spends the night tending to his wounds, Darren Wilson unknowingly eats toxic berries and dies.
He is the only death as Bill Belichick gets an inexplicable reprieve from Madonna.
The rest of the tributes break into groups, sleeping in shifts, and huddling together to keep warm.
Violence is relatively subdued on Day 2.
The only death comes when Sun Tzu begs Robert Durst to kill him. Durst reluctantly obliges.
Darwin gets fruit from a tree, while an unknown sponsor sends food to Vladimir Putin.
Kanye and The Coz injure themselves, while Kim, Frank Underwood, Pit Bull, and Bibi flee danger through the use of deception.
The day’s big event comes when Madonna, Decency, Coach Bill and Spanish Fly raid George Zimmerman’s camp, while he’s gone. Good. Fuck him, I say.
Robin Hood, who to this point has only gone fishing, picks flowers. His confidence is legendary. So, too, is his ability to live off the land and dodge the law. He’s going to be tough to take down.
Night falls and the cannons sound for Darren Wilson and Sun Tzu.
Later that night Spanish Fly claims its second victim, severely injuring Confucius before putting him out of his misery. That puts an end to District 10, Chinatown.
Madonna and Darwin kill Lil Jon, while Robin Hood (the other half of District 9) quietly hums.
Again, Robin Hood is known to be a little cocky, but I really hope he starts to take this more seriously. Get your head in the game, man.
George Zimmerman is once again snake bitten, as Bill Cosby destroys his supplies.
Pit Bull suffers night terrors.
Day 3 is relatively uneventful.
Camps established by Madonna and Common Decency get raided.
Frank Underwood explores, while Bill Cosby seeks out higher ground.
Blood thirsty Robert Durst hunts for more tributes.
After three days, we’ve lost only seven tributes. Robert Durst and Spanish Fly lead the kill count with two lives a piece.
More blood is spilled on the third night of the Hunger Games.
First, Vladimir Putin shoots an arrow directly into Jeffery Dahmer’s head.
Then, Kanye West attempts to climb a tree, but falls to his death.
A grieving Kim runs into Bill Belichick, but he lets her be. Belichick is clearly playing defense with Tom Brady no longer on his team.
Pit Bull looks at the night sky. In the distance, he hears George Zimmerman scream for help. But no one comes.
Little happens on Day 4. But there is one death.
Frank Underwood, Robert Durst, Spanish Fly, Pit Bull and Bill Belichick track down and kill Madonna.
It takes all five them to subdue the beast. The old broad certainly put up a fight.
The night brings more death with it…
Benjamin Netanyahu finally makes good on his tough talk, stabbing Robert Durst with a tree branch. It’s a grizzly end for The Jinx, who was living up to his lethal reputation.
Kim, distraught over Kanye’s passing, and Spanish Fly, overcome with the guilt of its misdeeds, join in a double suicide.
In a rare act of kindness, Vladimir Putin lets Darwin into his shelter.
Robin Hood stays awake all night. Frank Underwood sleeps like a baby. And Bill Cosby quietly hums. Curious. What will he do without his beloved Spanish Fly?
Day 5 is a bloodbath.
Pit Bull and Darwin team up to take out Robin Hood.
George Zimmerman, who couldn’t handle a 16 year old in a fist fight, somehow overpowers Vladimir Putin and kills him.
And Bill Cosby bashes Bill Belichick’s head with a rock.
Cosby is clearly pissed about losing Spanish Fly. I’m afraid for the rest of this field.
Pit Bull, Benjamin Netanyahu, Frank Underwood, Bill Cosby, George Zimmerman, Shred of Decency, and Darwin. The latter of which is our only complete team remaining, District 12.
I felt like D12 were clear underdogs at the outset. I saw Donald Trump strangling the Shred of Decency and Sarah Palin shooting Darwin from a helicopter.
Instead, they’ve been a pleasant surprise.
Another surprise has been Pit Bull. I thought he’d be among the first to go. Yet, not only has he survived, he’s racked up two kills – instrumental in the deaths of both Madonna and Robin Hood.
Darwin has two kills, as well. Prior to partnering with Pit Bull to eliminate Robin Hood, he helped Madonna kill Lil Jon. Clearly, he had some kind of beef with District 9, the Fo’ Richer or Fo’ Poorer crew.
Zimmerman is just slimy. I’m not surprised he’s still alive, but I can’t believe he took out the ex-KGB agent Putin.
George Zimmerman spends the night alone, while Pit Bull, Decency, Bibi, The Coz, and Frank Underwood track down and murder Darwin.
As with Madonna, it takes a village to get the job done. I have no idea why A Shred of Decency would conspire to kill his own teammate. I suppose there can be only one winner.
I guess they all felt Darwin was their biggest threat.
Some parting words…
Day six starts slow…
Bibi and The Coz team up to hunt other tributes, but they come up empty-handed.
Then it finally happens…
George Zimmerman once again proves himself a detriment to humanity.
Aside from maybe Frank Underwood, there’s no one left to root for…
RIP District 12.
Ugh. It’s getting ugly. Here I am reeling from the sudden disappearance of District 12…
And Frank Underwood goes down.
It’s Netanyahu with a spear to the stomach.
Sorry Kevin Spacey.
Pitbull spends the night alone, while Cosby and George Zimmerman huddle for warmth.
George Zimmerman will not win the Hunger Games.
Pit Bull does the world a favor and strangles him.
Meanwhile, Cosby has Netanyahu on the ropes, but let’s him go.
I gotta think he’ll come to regret that decision.
It was all a ruse!
Amidst the darkness, Cosby pulls a page out of Bibi’s own playbook and stabs him with a tree branch.
Pit Bull can smell the victory. I’m pulling for him, but I wouldn’t sleep on Cosby. (Literally.)
It all comes to an end…
“Pit Bull is unable to convince Bill Cosby to not kill him.”
What? Did Pit Bull honestly try to engage Bill Cosby in some kind of diplomacy? Or was he just begging for his life?
It’s no matter. Cosby is the victor.
Perhaps we should have seen this coming. Bill Cosby has nine lives. Any man that can survive literally 10,000 rape allegations obviously has enough Teflon to slide through the Hunger Games.
He knows when to lay low, when to attack, and when to slip into the shadows.
The final placements….
I’m surprised Walter White didn’t do better. With his MacGyver-like brain for innovation and his comfort with making ethical compromises, I thought he was a shoo-in for the Final Four.
Ditto for Sun Tzu, who went out like a punk.
Vladimir Putin had a respectable finish, but I’m amazed he didn’t come away with more kills. I think that’s largely to blame on the high number of suicides and self-deaths we witnessed.
Conversely, I didn’t expect A Shred of Decency or Darwin to last long in this group, but they put in a respectable effort.
Finally, I greatly underestimated Pit Bull. I threw him in there as a patsy, thinking he’d be fodder for Vladimir Putin or Heisenberg, but he really showed me something. I was definitely rooting for him at the end.
Alas, it was the Great and Powerful Coz that proved to be too much for this field. Together, he and Spanish Fly had seven kills, making them the most prolific killers by far.
Like it or not, Cosby always gets his way.