Bad Poetry Vol. 4: Peace of Mind

The Water Cooler Incident

I went to the water cooler to get water.
When I got back,
the hot, 20-year-old intern looked at me and smiled.
I felt like a pimp.

When I sat down,
I saw I’d spilt a bunch of water on my pants.
It looked like I peed myself.

St. Patrick’s Day

I love St. Patrick’s Day.
It’s the only day I can drink
with my Leprechaun,
Blarney McShackleton,
without being asked a ton of questions.

Fuck Your Selfie Stick

Fuck your selfie stick.
Suck my selfie stick.
Fuck your selfie stick.

The Donald (Part 2)

Donald Trump laid quietly on the sofa.
“Sasquatch,” he said unprovoked.
“I know him. Good guy.”

I knew this was a lie.
I met Bigfoot years ago.
And he’d never hang out with Donald.

“You know I have a time machine,” he said.
This was a lie, too.
There’s only one time machine on earth,
And I have it.

One more minute went by.

Finally, he blurted out:
“I have sexual fantasies about my daughter!”

Finally, the truth.

“Our time’s up,” I said.
“This was a big breakthrough though.
I’ll see you next week.”

Donald Trump is my most deranged patient.


Pigskins and Ponies

We were on our way to the My Little Pony convention.
I was dressed as Twilight Sparkle
And Jesus was dressed as Rarity.
I wanted to be Rarity but Jesus won the coin toss.

We bumped into some drunk guys.
They were dressed up, too.
“What pony are you?” I asked.

“I’m not a pony fag,” the guy said.
“We’re going to the Broncos game.”

“But you ARE dressed up like a horse,”
Jesus pointed out.

“Yeah but not a gay horse,” he said.

Jesus and I were confused.
Then a guy with a painted face chimed in.

“You guys need to grow up,” he said.
Then he burped some beer onto his football jersey.

Jesus wanted to fight them, but I talked him out of it.
“Let it go Jesus,” I said.
“Ponies don’t settle disagreements with violence.”

“You gentlemen enjoy your game,” I said.

Jesus and I spent the rest of the day taking ecstasy
And dancing at a pony rave.

It was awesome.



NFL Fans:

NFL Fans

The Hitler Question

When I finally finished my time machine,
I knew what I had to do.

I got in and went back to 1907
and I found Adolf Hitler.

He was still a teenager
and his mother had just died of breast cancer.

I knew he’d be vulnerable.

“Hey Hitler!” I said.

Hitler looked startled and scared.

“I just wanted to tell you I really like your paintings,” I said.
“I want to buy one.”

I paid Hitler for his watercolours.
We joked around a little bit.
Then I hugged him
and got back in my time machine.
As I stepped in, I looked back.

I said:

“Your future is a blank canvas, Adolf.
Don’t spoil it by painting something ugly. ”

When I got back to the present,
I stumbled into an art shop in Munich.

There was an old man behind the counter.
He recognized me.
I smiled and nodded.
He smiled, too.

His paintings were bad,
but they could have been worse.

Hitler Painting

Never Forget, Baby Boomers Invented Homemade Porn

Narcissists. That’s what Millennials are.

A bunch of spoiled, self-absorbed narcissists, running around taking pictures of ourselves.

We’re the “Selfie Generation”

This is how Baby Boomers view us; through the lens of a camera-phone at the end of an outstretched arm (or worse, stick).


Here’s the thing, though: We’re not the first generation to ever take pictures of ourselves.

We’re just the first generation that’s ever taken this many pictures of ourselves. And  that’s not because we’re the most self-obsessed generation to ever exist. It’s because we’re the first generation to ever have access to this technology.

We’re the first generation to grow up with mobile phones, the first generation to have phones combined with cameras, the first generation to have access to digital photography, and the first generation to make use of social media.

But I repeat: We are NOT the first generation to replicate our own likeness.

To prove it, I’ve built this timeline…

Selfies Through History


The point is this is a practice that’s literally as old as human history.

It just so happens we have technology that lets us do it… repeatedly… in a way that is really obsessive and annoying. We also have access to technology that lets us share those images instantly and with a wide audience.

I’m not saying it’s great. But it doesn’t mean we’re a bunch of self-absorbed assholes, either.

If today’s technology had been around 50 years ago, Facebook feeds would’ve blown up with dumb-looking Boomers snapping selfies of themselves at Woodstock.

And if you don’t believe me think about a close comparable: The video camera.

For a long time, home videos were impractical 8mm filmstrips. But the second VHS came out, the world was suddenly crawling with dads wielding giant black boxes. They filmed parties, pageants, soccer games, parades, and more.

Much more.

That’s right. Don’t play coy. Admit it.

You Boomers did something far worse with those camcorders didn’t you?


Talk about narcissism, you started filming yourselves fucking the very first moment technology would allow.

For every Millennial out there, there exists some grainy, unlabed VHS tape of their parents going at it like a couple of howler monkeys.

And why?

Best case scenario: You weirdos sat around watching yourselves bone on tape.

Worst case: You shared them.

The Internet is awash in homemade porn and I don’t even mean recent efforts. You can find plenty of footage of bad hair banging bad hair.

All that poor grooming backdropped by awful 80s décor. That fake wood wall paneling. The tacky couches. Some of it even takes place in vans.

It’s all so gross and seedy.

And the fact that so many of these videos still exist is testament to just how ubiquitous this practice was. This is 2016, for God’s sake. What’s survived is only a fraction of what was around 20 years ago.

And there’s still SO MUCH.

Did you guys do anything other than videotape yourselves fucking?

It’s hard to see how you did.


Even before the Internet, there were shows like “Naughty Amateur Home Videos” – a show that aired on the Playboy channel for 12 years from 1996 to 2008.

Guess what it aired…

Yes, Baby Boomers were once so desperate to share their sextapes with the world they went through the trouble of mailing them into a cable channel.

But now you see some 17-year old girl duck-facing for her smartphone and it’s evidence of generational decay.

Like you wouldn’t have taken selfies if film wasn’t such a costly pain in the ass to get developed.

Hell, you pretty much invented the polaroid camera just to get around it.

Pictured: Two old-ass Boomers take a selfie with the last cutting-edge camera technology they knew how to operate.
Pictured: Two old-ass Boomers take a selfie with the last cutting-edge camera technology they knew how to operate.

That, and so you could finally take dick picks and titty shots without getting banned from Motophoto.

You people are gross.

Gross and hypocritical.

I’ll take duck-face over O-face any day of the week.

And I think I’ll take all the selfies I please, thank you very much.

Here’s one of me stumbling across the amateur porno you forgot you made in 1986:


Go ahead, call me a narcissist.

You’re something far worse: The producer, director, and star of your own XXX-rated movie.

And that movie isn’t getting any one off but you.

It’s a short, limp vanity project with bad lighting and flabby ass.

Maybe next time pick a better angle and use a filter.