Never Forget, Baby Boomers Invented Homemade Porn

Narcissists. That’s what Millennials are.

A bunch of spoiled, self-absorbed narcissists, running around taking pictures of ourselves.

We’re the “Selfie Generation”

This is how Baby Boomers view us; through the lens of a camera-phone at the end of an outstretched arm (or worse, stick).

SELFIES!!!!

Here’s the thing, though: We’re not the first generation to ever take pictures of ourselves.

We’re just the first generation that’s ever taken this many pictures of ourselves. And  that’s not because we’re the most self-obsessed generation to ever exist. It’s because we’re the first generation to ever have access to this technology.

We’re the first generation to grow up with mobile phones, the first generation to have phones combined with cameras, the first generation to have access to digital photography, and the first generation to make use of social media.

But I repeat: We are NOT the first generation to replicate our own likeness.

To prove it, I’ve built this timeline…

Selfies Through History

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The point is this is a practice that’s literally as old as human history.

It just so happens we have technology that lets us do it… repeatedly… in a way that is really obsessive and annoying. We also have access to technology that lets us share those images instantly and with a wide audience.

I’m not saying it’s great. But it doesn’t mean we’re a bunch of self-absorbed assholes, either.

If today’s technology had been around 50 years ago, Facebook feeds would’ve blown up with dumb-looking Boomers snapping selfies of themselves at Woodstock.

And if you don’t believe me think about a close comparable: The video camera.

For a long time, home videos were impractical 8mm filmstrips. But the second VHS came out, the world was suddenly crawling with dads wielding giant black boxes. They filmed parties, pageants, soccer games, parades, and more.

Much more.

That’s right. Don’t play coy. Admit it.

You Boomers did something far worse with those camcorders didn’t you?

YOU INVENTED AMATEUR PORN.

Talk about narcissism, you started filming yourselves fucking the very first moment technology would allow.

For every Millennial out there, there exists some grainy, unlabed VHS tape of their parents going at it like a couple of howler monkeys.

And why?

Best case scenario: You weirdos sat around watching yourselves bone on tape.

Worst case: You shared them.

The Internet is awash in homemade porn and I don’t even mean recent efforts. You can find plenty of footage of bad hair banging bad hair.

All that poor grooming backdropped by awful 80s décor. That fake wood wall paneling. The tacky couches. Some of it even takes place in vans.

It’s all so gross and seedy.

And the fact that so many of these videos still exist is testament to just how ubiquitous this practice was. This is 2016, for God’s sake. What’s survived is only a fraction of what was around 20 years ago.

And there’s still SO MUCH.

Did you guys do anything other than videotape yourselves fucking?

It’s hard to see how you did.

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Even before the Internet, there were shows like “Naughty Amateur Home Videos” – a show that aired on the Playboy channel for 12 years from 1996 to 2008.

Guess what it aired…

Yes, Baby Boomers were once so desperate to share their sextapes with the world they went through the trouble of mailing them into a cable channel.

But now you see some 17-year old girl duck-facing for her smartphone and it’s evidence of generational decay.

Like you wouldn’t have taken selfies if film wasn’t such a costly pain in the ass to get developed.

Hell, you pretty much invented the polaroid camera just to get around it.

Pictured: Two old-ass Boomers take a selfie with the last cutting-edge camera technology they knew how to operate.
Pictured: Two old-ass Boomers take a selfie with the last cutting-edge camera technology they knew how to operate.

That, and so you could finally take dick picks and titty shots without getting banned from Motophoto.

You people are gross.

Gross and hypocritical.

I’ll take duck-face over O-face any day of the week.

And I think I’ll take all the selfies I please, thank you very much.

Here’s one of me stumbling across the amateur porno you forgot you made in 1986:

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Go ahead, call me a narcissist.

You’re something far worse: The producer, director, and star of your own XXX-rated movie.

And that movie isn’t getting any one off but you.

It’s a short, limp vanity project with bad lighting and flabby ass.

Maybe next time pick a better angle and use a filter.

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