Bad Poetry Vol. 3: Inside Out

This poetry’s so bad, it broke out of jail and knocked up the warden’s wife….

The Best Captain

“We’re trying to settle an argument,” the nerd said to me.
“Who was the best captain – Kirk or Picard?”
I looked at the nerd incredulously.
“The best captain,” I said, “is Captain Caveman.”
The nerds just looked at me…
“He’s the world’s first superhero… The first.” I said.
“He had three teenage girlfriends.
They went on hilarious and sometimes scary mystery missions.”
The nerds kept staring. After a long pause one asked:
“What about Captain America?”
“What about fucking yourself?” I said.
Then I walked away.
Fucking nerds. They don’t know anything.

 

Agent Franks

The scientist handed Agent Franks a pipe
and he smoked it.
Immediately he felt a rush. It was amazing.
“This is incredible!” he shouted.
“I feel like Mickey Mouse is giving me a reach around!”
“Right?” the commander said.
“What are we gonna do with it?” Agent Franks asked.
“That’s the thing,” the commander said. “I don’t know.”

After thinking for a minute, Agent Franks got an idea:
“Let’s give it to black people,” he said.
Everyone laughed.
“Why would we do that?
Why should they get this miracle drug?”
“Just look at all they’ve been through…” Franks said.

For the next 3 hours and 27 minutes
Agent Franks recounted the country’s history of racial oppression.
“So, you see,” he said in closing. “They deserve this.”
Everyone in the room applauded.
In their hearts, they knew Agent Franks was right.

A few weeks later,
the first shipment of crack hit California.
Things did not go as planned.
Agent Franks was given a promotion.

Drag King

Chuck Norris zipped up his dress and blotted his lipstick.
“Chuck Norris isn’t a drag queen,” he said to himself.
“He’s the Drag King.”

Child Star of Bethlehem

“Hey Jesus,” I said.
“Whatever happened to that stuff the three wise men gave you?”
“What?” Jesus asked.
“The gold, frankincense and myrrh…
What happened to it?”
“Oh,” Jesus said trying to act nonchalant.
“I don’t know. I don’t remember.”

Then he frowned and looked sad.
That’s when I knew…
“Your parents took it didn’t they…”
“I have to go,” Jesus said.
Then he left the room.

I pulled out my notebook
and went to the page marked “Xmas List”
I wrote “Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh” under “Jesus”
“I hope it’s not too cliche,” I thought.

Then I wrote down “New Sandals” just to be safe.
It’s good to get your Christmas shopping out of the way early.
Less stress around the holidays.

Cake Monster

It was my birthday and all the boys bought me giant cake.
Suddenly a topless woman popped out.
“Cake Monster!” I yelled.
I punched her in the face.
It was then that I realized the cake was hollow inside.
“We’re too late,” I said. “She already ate all the cake.”

Zarlor’s Lament

Zarlor the Lizard Man got home
and took off his Donald Rumsfeld mask.
His wife Cynthia peaked her head in from the kitchen and asked:
“Is it almost done? Have we enslaved the human race yet?”
Zarlor was frustrated.

“Not yet Cynthia… God, you know, I just got home.”
“Okay,” Cynthia said. “I just thought it’d be done by now.”
“Yeah. I know. I thought so, too,” the Lizard Man snapped.
“But this kind of thing takes time.
You wouldn’t believe the level of bureaucracy involved.
It’s maddening.”

Cynthia paused for a minute. Then she asked:
“Do you want to refurbish the dwelling this weekend?”
“Oh for fuck’s sake Cynthia!” Zarlor shouted.
He stormed over to the bar and poured himself a drink.

“Well, you keep putting it off…”
The Lizard Man said nothing. He just drank faster.
Then he turned.
“I need some fresh air,” he said, whipping the door open.
“Zarlor!” Cynthia shouted.
The door slammed shut.

Zarlor got in his car and put it in reverse.
As he did, Zarlor Jr. ran from the house screaming.
“Daddy!” he shouted.
Zarlor hit the brakes and looked his son in the face.
Then he pulled out of the driveway and headed down the block.

“I’ll come back,” he thought to himself.
“I just need to take a drive and clear my head.”
Deep down he knew it was a lie. Zarlor just kept driving.

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